Woody Allen quotes, jokes, funny sayings

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Woody Allen

 

 

Kids' Little Instructions on Life

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

 

 

Woody Allen quotes, jokes, funny sayings

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Woody Allen

 

 

25 Rules for Women

Crying is blackmail.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

 

 

Woody Allen quotes, jokes, funny sayings

In my house I'm the boss,

my wife is just the decision maker.

Woody Allen