Woody Allen quotes, jokes, funny sayings

Woody Allen

American actor, writer, film director, comedian and playwright

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Marriage is the death of hope... In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people ‒ and kill ’em.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people ‒ and kill ’em.